Limbo

Okay, I officially feel like I'm in limbo, some sort of static state of being in which I have no power to affect change in my life. I have been, in nigglingly tiny increments, laying the groundwork for becoming a certified teacher. I've gone through the 97 requisite steps, and believe I will be approved on February 26th at the meeting of the State Board of Education. This is fantastic, but it really does not change my lot in life until this fall, at least six months away. And, yes, six months isn't a long time, it's just that there are so many deceptively short increments of time that must be gotten through that ultimately add up to much of one's life.

Working as a substitute teacher has left me almost penniless. Yes, it was a good choice, as far as determining my ability to work in the public school environment, as well as for making contacts, letting people in the schools get to know me. It will ultimately probably help me get a teaching job. But the income loss has been daunting. Each week I ration our cash, making sure Keith and Sarah have what they need for the week, and buying those groceries carefully selected to represent the bare minimum to sustain us during the week. Then I pray nothing unexpected comes up, as it will throw my budget, and my mental well-being, into a state of disarray.

But unexpected things have come up almost daily: Sarah wrecked her car twice in a thirty-day period, ultimately ruining the car and putting her back as passenger, and, therefore, me as chauffeur, in my car. The insurance company mis-posted my payment, paying the entirety of her six-month policy and putting nothing toward the policy that covers our house and other vehicles, so I then had to scramble to come up with $600. more in the same month as the $400. payment already made. The gas royalty that I inherited has dwindled to almost nothing as natural gas prices have plummeted, doubly depleting my income. I need bras, I need a massage (in the most dire manner), Sarah needs shoes and face wash (continually), and Keith asks for nothing.

I want to stop paying for my YMCA membership, as neither Keith nor Sarah used it for most of the last year; I was using it, until things got bad at DHS, and then my chaotic schedule as well as my ailing mental health has prohibited me from using it regularly. I want to cancel the membership, but it feels as though it is my last chance at improving my health; I want to cancel it, but now Sarah has begun to use it with her father; I want to go back to yoga, even though it will not afford me the cardiovascular workout I need, because it will stretch my tight muscles and afford me stress relief I desperately need. It is cheaper, and if I could force myself to bike to the class, it would give me one really good workout a week. One. Insufficient. Which means I need to bike at least twice more during the week, but biking out of doors is much different than riding a recumbent bike at the Y...will I be able to do it, and when the weather becomes unpleasant, will I be able to force myself to do it?

So, I need to go the Y right now and work out, because I have no job today, but I don't see any point in trying to develop a workout schedule when the likelihood of my being able to go at this time of day on a regular basis is nil. I feel stuck. There are so many financial issues I need to address, but cannot, simply because there is no money to address them. Aaiiiee!!!