why do i mourn something painful?

i love the show "The Unit". LOVE it...not kidding. i hear the music and i want to go out and kick some ass. no joke. it brings back the bad old days when i could have kicked some ass, back when i took jobs that worked around my workout schedule. back in the days when i was attracted to men who could kill me, and only men who could kill me. my sweet husband says i was attracted to men who i knew could protect me, and that may have been the driving psychological issue that made them attractive, but the fact remains that i sought out men who were killers, quite literally.

i try to not think about them very often, i don't want to feel i'm being unfaithful to my husband, because when he made his intentions clear to me, i vowed to change my life...again. you see, i had changed it dramatically when my daughter was born, and more a few years later. i keep finding things i need to work on. but i wanted my husband so much that i vowed, to God, that i would be a different person, both for him and for myself. and i have been. at first it was hard, but with time, love, and patience on his part, i was able to become his partner, for which i will be eternally grateful.

but there's this thing, still, that craves the bad old days. not nearly as badly as it did in the first years of our marriage, but not gone. and when i watch that show, and hear the music, it all floods over me. it's a guilty pleasure, this viewing. but it's also a bit unsettling, how i can still crave something that represented nothing but pain for me. those men were not good to me, or for me. i think they thought they were good to me, and, considering the kind of men they were, they probably were as good as they could be to me. but good for me? absolutely not. the coming together was intensely pleasurable, but the times in between were excruciatingly painful. because the thing that made them attractive to me also made them emotionally unavailable to me.

why do i crave this? sometimes the feeling makes me weep. i am not who i once was, but i am also not whom i thought i'd become. Lord have mercy.